How dare they..

whoever thinks that it’s weak
to die from substance abuse and/or suicide
clearly has never made any of their OWN choices
never dared to swim against the current
never dreaded to be alone in the crowd
never dared to dream
never bothered to offer
but loved to take
take take take
cowards
conformists
spineless beasts
viruses
who are you?
how are you?
shameless creatures
how dare you
to judge those who came here to lighten the way
to shake your little sheltered world
how dare those
little mermaids
you dream about
whilst jerking off in front of a computer
how dare they to come alive and die!
how dare those men
who starved and created art
while you staffed your gigantic mouths
stretched shapelessly from emotional hunger
all those mavericks you hate
how dare they to now be dead!
and you too well be dead one day
your whole life story will be outlined
by a square coffin box
and an ugly stone
will decorate your grave
don’t feel sorry for yourself
a stone has a long life span
you don’t.

PS in very affectionate memory of Robin Williams

one way ticket. please. no

i wanna go back to a cave.

and i can’t.

the tragedy of a modern man.

i’m gonna lock myself in a cage.

Is

I used to think that I’m reaching somewhere
It’s only recently I’ve realised that
I’m actually coming back
I’m returning to
What I always
Was
Am
What
IS
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn

N/A

In my dream we were driving through some countryside, it was winter. The landscape was perfectly clean and white. Roads were unevenly icy and slippery. I drove fast and we both enjoyed mild rush of adrenaline knowing it was a dangerous ride. It felt as if the car was to lose its grip on the road we’d simply fly into vastness that was surrounding us. We laughed but didn’t really speak. We sort of communicated with eyes as if we were reading each other minds. Then we drove on the ice which was covering a pool of water. It was not clear in my dream whether it was a sea or an ocean, the landscape was endless as if we were in a Matrix. I’ve decided that the car was too heavy to drive on this ice and we started walking leaving the car behind. It was very cold and you were not dressed properly. I was getting worried, but in stead smiled at you and offered you to drink alcohol from my hip flask. Then we reached a piece of land where ice was meeting water. We carried on walking even though ice was now drowning in water. Suddenly water levels started rising and we saw a stream of rather stormy water moving towards us. It was very windy and the sea (or whatever it was) was scarily moody. Suddenly, I’ve realised that waves in the distance were way too big and if they reached us we’d be dragged into water without any hope for escape. We started running back. The surface was slippery and you fell down couple of times. I was trying to keep calm and kept on picking you up and running again. It was exhausting. I couldn’t find the car so I started panicking. Suddenly we reached the forest. Trees provided us with some shelter from the crazy wind and we no longer could see massive waves in the distance. I calmed down a bit and tried to cheer you up. You stood their looking totally lost and I hugged you. You smiled a little, but I could tell that you were angry at me. Suddenly this really scary man appeared and started to run towards us. His eyes were mad and he looked like a serial killer. We started to run again, but he was getting closer and then he started grabbing you while I was trying to pull you from his hands… I woke up from the sound of my own screaming. I realised that I was in my bed, but I was still gasping for air and shivering as if my body did experience severe freezing cold… I couldn’t fall back asleep that night. Everything was way too painful. I wanted to scream. But I was totally paralysed by my own fear. Death. I felt like I faced death again. Again.

i lie, therefore i AM

i’m a liar.

i pretend to be strong –

i lie.

i pretend to know –

i’m just desperate to have the answers.

i pretend to be generous –

it’s out of weakness.

i pretend to reach out –

i just wish to be accepted.

i pretend i love –

it’s my hidden loneliness still trying..

i pretend to be quiet –

i’m actually screaming inside.

i pretend to live fully –

but no…

everyday i’m just dying.

one step closer to nowhere to go.

i’m so tired of running.

peace is nowhere to be found.

peace is just IS.

or it isn’t.