love/hate for a narcissist
so after doing a considerable amount of digging both internally and externally, i came to a very overwhelming conclusion that my father has a narcissistic personality disorder. moreover, both my first and my last relationships were with a narcissist.
the two conclusions from this:
1.there’s clearly a pattern in my life
2.how fucked up i must be to be attracted to a narcissist
i knew this is going to be a painful journey…but some of the discoveries i make are really quite profoundly painful.
nat's blog 
May 23, 2012 at 10:41 am
As you discover a pattern, you also discover that there can be change!
Some things in life gets the way they are, without any reason that you can find within yourself. It’s not your fault. You are not “fucked up”, you are not identified by your problems or worries or disorders or whatever. :)
Here’a a hug!
May 23, 2012 at 11:25 am
thanks very much. your hug and your support are much appreciated.
these realisations come at me with some rather overwhelming speed, so i do struggle to make sense of it all. but i do realise that understanding the patterns also gives an opportunity to change the pattern, so there’s hope.
May 23, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Don’t beat yourself up, friend. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward healing and choosing a better life for yourself. I have a sister who is a narcissist. Living with narcissism in the family is so hard. I really feel for you. Self-love, sister; have compassion for your choices, and embrace them as steps on the way to self-healing. All relationships reflect back to us what remains to be healed within us. Love and light.
May 23, 2012 at 4:29 pm
thank you. now i’m just in shock. realising that your ex lover is a narcissist and your whole relationship was nothing but a fake …well, hard… what was i thinking? i feel like the whole world is laughing at me. but i’m sure i’ll get out of this space. i definitely do not need any more narcissist in my life, and the only way to ensure this never happening again is to change myself. right now i just need to get over this state of complete shock. naturally, i was also blamed for everything. because i have PTSD disorder i believed it. so at least, i’m relieved to know i didn’t deserve to be treated the way i was treated. your words mean a lot. i know they are true and with time i’ll see this truth too.
May 24, 2012 at 2:52 am
A narcissist has learned something – a truth that keeps them happy: To find love we each must first love ourselves. Unfortunately, a narcissist can only love one person and so never get any further with that lesson.
Be well.
May 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm
it’s the lack of love for yourself, i think. and the saddest part is that if you try to help change that you’ll end up in a really bad place yourself.
May 24, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I never understood why my father was so cold, so critical without a kiniscule amount of care. I read a narcissist book and I understood. That is why I use the word forgiveness was easier.
He was a narcissist a child of a family of 15 and he had his demons to face. I have my life to answer for and my freedom starts with letting him answer for his life and me answer for mine. That lets me be free from a powerful position. I just do not judge that or anything related to trauma.
Mu father beat me violently and criticized me with every word that left his mouth. I was forced fed Lima beans once a week and puked every Thursday. he beat me with a paddle he had drilled holes in to make it hurt more. he beat me like I was a grown man and screamed at me while he delivered his rage.
That abuse has made me a person with a iron will. I would not change any thing about it. It is who I am and built the strongest part of my personality.
I am free now and only mention this crap while supporting others.
My journey has taken me past healed to understanding emotions can flow on through us. Naïf I wake up in a foul mood, I just say, well My ego feels horrible, to bad. I am perfect now, without chance of loss. I am exactly like you.
I was stuck for six months in my gagrage shaking in the dark with terror. Agoraphobic. I enjoy life and gain joy from supporting others.
I do not care about approval or disapproval and have learned to judge very little. We have so many breaths, please do not waste them on thought or fear.
Marty