i lie

i lie. i lie not because i like lying. in fact, i like honesty. i like speaking the truth because 1. it’s pure and simple (like water) 2. i like seeing the reaction of people who don’t expect the truth 3. i sometimes naively believe (still) that others want to hear the truth.

i can’t explain lying in the same manner. i think i lie because i hide. i hide that i’m gay. i hide that i’m an artist. i hide that i don’t like to hide.

i just constantly go through a process of toning myself down. i’m too loud. shocking. a painting of me screams with colour. Like Rothko’s murals i should live in the gallery. but i live an ordinary life. at least i pretend that i do. i have no money, no promise of inheritance ahead of me. i only have debts and a rather unstable health, so i have to blend in. i have to work, make a ‘living’. be a part of the system. be a good citizen. have normal friends. pretend that i know what i’m going to do in 5 years.

so i lie.

i used to tell the truth. and then i just gave up. it’s a lot of effort – expaling yourself. tell people what they want to hear and it’s a done deal. or…be really smart and ask them questions. let them talk. people love that. it distracts them too. it distracts them from you. and you prevent yourself from lying. it’s a short-term solution, however.

sometimes i lie out of pity. i can tell that the listener is a genuine caring person, but they just can’t quite grasp the complexities of my insane life. i’m one of those very complex complexities in life. i’m so complex i even know how to ‘decomplex’ myself for others. i have mercy on people. why expect something from someone who can’t give you what you need – it’s a waste of time and a huge surplus in inconvenience.

any type of communication is inconvenient for me. if it was up to me i’d just hug other people – that’s all. but i have the power to make lives of others less complicated. and i use it. i know how to lie. i navigate through my own personality as if i’m a pilot within my own universe. i pick and choose which parts to show and which to hide. i translate what needs to be translated. and i never use jargon language. people that do clearly lack in complexity of their own.

and after i’m done with all these jobs i crawl back to my room. i lie down on my bed. i stare at a white ceiling and i feel nothing. how can nothing be so complex?……..

may be in reality i’m clear and simple, just like water.