Pavlov’s dog

“I think I should dig out my gun and make holes in your bodies” – that’s what my father just said to me and my mother because we were absent this evening (visiting my brother’s family).
I know it was just a verbal threat…but nevertheless..my heart is racing. I’m mortified.
This is how I grew up.
Which makes me doubt my chances of being normal. Ever.
Which makes me realise why I feel the way I feel…
Those who were raised in fear will understand.
I pray for myself and I pray for everyone else like me that one day this fear will dissolve.
If there’s hope in this world this day must come.
One day.

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4 Responses to “Pavlov’s dog”

  1. I forget in my comfortable cocoon how close some people live to insanity. Breaking the chain of fear is the hardest thing to do – I hope you are able to walk away one day and live your life in serenity to be your self. To be able to breath in peace.

    • Thank you. Breaking the fear is a very hard task. I’m trying. I hope one day to also volunteer and help young victims of abuse. I think the earlier you get help the better the chances for that person having a normal life. The sad part of being a victim is that you often choose partners, environments that only reinforce that lack of power. Breaking the chain of powerlessness is a challenging goal to have. Having personal power is a learnt behaviour though and one can learn it even later on in life. But as with any ‘relearning’ it’s much harder.

      • Definitely harder. I would think that personal power is what we are born with and it is stripped away from us. As a baby we just state our need immediately. We are trained to learn patience and wait our turn. And sometimes we are taught we are selfless and useless for wanting/needing anything and so we are stripped of our birthright. Best wishes to you for making it happen.

  2. you’ve inspired me to write my last entry. thank you!

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