my experience of PTSD – 6

depression can have fatal results. it causes suicidal thoughts. and it can make you profoundly ‘dead’ even though you are alive. every morning i wake up with a very heavy feeling normally which is a result of dreams i’ve had the night before. this heaviness makes me either want to stay in bed forever or just cry. crying is the best option because it relieves some pain. normally i just feel numb. this numbness causes complete apathy. nothing or nobody interests me. life is hell – that sums it up quite nicely. you can start sinking in in this emotion – it’s a very easy thing to do. recently, i’ve been trying to kick myself out of it. there’s no way you can persuade yourself to not feel certain emotions. so i’ve decided to fight this state by staying active. i kick myself out of bed. i kick myself out to the kitchen and have breakfast. i kick myself out to the street. i make myself be busy. life is active. life never stops. depression steals away all these attributes of life. depression is like poison that kills you very slowly. of course if you’re depressed you might even enjoy this thought. death is not such a bad option when yo already feel dead. i’m trying to not go THAT FAR. my goal as of now is to not get stuck in complete numbness that causes complete inaction. So I choose action. It’s a lot of effort and will, but that’s the only way to get going. And often what I find is that it works. Not always. But action creates more action. When you actively engage with life. Life engages with you too. You end up meeting new people, having interesting conversation, and possibly beginning  new ventures. You might not do any of that, but the point is to not stop trying. Possibly it is a way to distract yourself. But since i’m doing it intentionally it’s actually a good thing. I’m making a conscious choice to help myself and that’s in itself is an empowering experience. Battling with your own head is obviously a very strange thing to do, but we all do it to one extent or another. In my case I have to constantly choose life over death and it is a lot of effort. but when i do get the rewards i feel almost enlightened. i don’t think many appreciate ‘the good things’ as much as i do. i literally hold on to good experiences as if my life depends on them. and it does.

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