Archive for July, 2012

my experience of PTSD – 5

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012 by Linata

what i’ve become to understand very clearly

is that you can not expect people

to make you happy.

but you CAN make yourself happy

or happier.

some people will make you unhappy

and it’s up to you how you choose to react to them

for example,

you can distance yourself

physically or emotionally

and by preserving your right to happy

and make choices that remove unhappiness from your life

and most importantly

from your MIND

you create space

in your life

and in your mind

for happiness to come in.

until you make this escape…

it’s not going to happen

and unhappiness is going to choke you

until you break down

and you make a change.

crisis creates space for transformation.

if u r in crisis –

something needs to change.

it hurts at the time u r in crisis

but when u start changing

u start understanding

why u reached the crisis

in the first place.

one day i woke up

and realised that

all that anger that i feel

i’m going to change into kindness

towards MYSELF

every day

i learn to be kind to myself

to be respectful towards my needs

and EVERY TIME

i feel hurt

i now see it as an opportunity

to practice kindness towards myself.

i’ve cried a lot as a result of that

and it really is helping me

to heal.

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choice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012 by Linata

happiness is a CHOICE.

you set it as a goal

and you make it happen.

of course u will never reach the ultimate

and you will slip…a lot…

but if you want to get up again

you WILL.

Signs

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2012 by Linata
I’m not  a huge fan of Deepak Chopra, but he does know what he’s talking about and a lot of what he is talking about makes a lot of sense. I guess I do respect the fact that what can be understood intuitively he also understands rationally. Anyway, this quote is good and very appealing to me at this point (or any point, actually):
 
“There are only two symptoms of enlightenment, just two indications that a transformation is taking place within you toward a higher consciousness. The first symptom is that you stop worrying. Things don’t bother you anymore. You become light-hearted and full of joy. The second symptom is that you encounter more and more meaningful coincidences in your life, more and more synchronicities. And this accelerates to the point where you actually experience the miraculous. 
― Deepak Chopra, Synchrodestiny

Thank you –> note

Posted in Uncategorized on July 18, 2012 by Linata

i’ve been nominated as a ‘beautiful blogger’. first this came as a shock because i don’t see my writings as ‘beautiful’. in my blog i reveal rather dark sides of myself and do not try to make things ‘pretty’ as i normally would do in my real life. not like my blog is not real, in fact my personality here is more real than u ever would get to know in non-cyber world. i’m forever thankful that i have an opportunity to be myself at least here.

what i want to say, however, is that after doing some self-reflection i’ve realised that my blog is not ‘dark’. ultimately, i’m searching for the light. it’s a challenging task. in my case, i find it incredibly difficult during most days. nevertheless, i do not give up. and i keep on trying. so no matter how dark i see myself on the inside, i attempt to do something that some people give up on doing. some people in my personal life gave up on looking for the light, so i’m trying to not do that. i’m in a position when it’s easy to give up, yet, the experiences i’ve had gave me the courage to fight this tendency, which is what my life is pretty much all about. may be everyone’s life is about that. i suspect it might be.

so whoever is reading my blog:

1. thank you for it means a LOT to me

2. i hope u r looking for the light as well

3. i hope u find the light at least sometimes and it keeps u going (that’s all that matters, in my opinion)

Thank you merlinspielen for nominating my blog. Lots of light to you!

 

To learn more about the nomination, please, read here:

http://merlinspielen.com/2012/07/08/beautiful-blogger-you-talking-to-me/

nothing_is_free

Posted in Uncategorized on July 18, 2012 by Linata

Image

love as a colour

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by Linata

“love has so many shapes and colours”- i said.

‘fuck you’ – you replied.

you took it as a personal offence

that was 7 years ago

look at you know…

nearly married

not to me.

there are so many ways to be heartbroken

sometimes someone loves you as a friend and not a lover

sometimes someone is a lover to you,

but not a friend.

sometimes someone is in one place

but you need to be in another

sometimes someone loves someone else in you

and sometimes they don’t love you at all

sometimes it is wrong time and place

sometimes you love someone from a different ‘cast’

sometimes you are scared to love them

sometimes they stop loving you

sometimes they lie and pretend

sometimes they leave without explanation

sometimes they try to love you, but they fail

sometimes you fail to love them

sometimes love just ends

sometimes they may die

and at the end

all you know

is that it IS the end

in deed

so many colours and shapes

of love

and so many ways

to have your heart

broken.

grandness_not

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by Linata

once upon the time

i was under so much stess

and emotional strain

it was too much –

i had to leave

i didn’t know where and how

but i packed my bags and went

i ended up in America

i lost myself there

i found myself there

i returned

but nothing was ever the same

every person i’ve met

every city i’ve been to

every couch trip i’ve taken

every heart i’ve broken

every time my heart was broken

every view i gazed at in wonder

every story i’ve learnt

every challenge i overcame

every misery i witnessed

every victory i celebrated

every friendship i’ve been blessed with

every betrayal i had to forget

turned me into a very complex structure

and here i am

10 years later

standing tall

like Eiffel Tower

some can even admire

the strength and complexity

of my design

only i can’t help

but feel too big

and too lonely

in the grandness of my own experiences

how did i end up so gigantic?

i didn’t not choose to be this sticking out

piece of firmness

which might be mistaken for strength

all i wanted is to be happy

and all i’ve got

is this ‘uniqueness’

i hate so much

i no longer want to be admired

yet, there seems to be no other option

i’m grandiose

and u can choose to hate me

or adore me

but truth is

i am

too big

for

my

own

skin.