on courage, perseverance , and memory

today is 2 years since my grandma passed away. strangely, i didn’t remember the day, but simply woke up with a very heavy feeling. i’m preparing for the show of my work and so far i’ve been approaching it with great enthusiasm. i know it’s different. i know it’s also not perfect, but it’s the first time i’m coming out as an artist. i’ve always done everything to please others or to avoid punishment from others. but whenever i do something for myself, i find myself completely alone. my parents either sabotaged me or criticised for any little initiative i wanted to take. i was never understood by my family. my partners either simply did not care or could not understand my choices. being an artist is not practical. so i’ve done marketing, i tried graphic design, and i tried to get as close to the ultimate as possible, yet continuing to lie to myself. what i want is to be an artist. and i do not care about money i just want to express. and i have things to express. yet i’m scared. i’ve been in this closet for way too long. and so the moment comes…the show is approaching…i know it might be a complete disaster, but that’s not the point for me. i just want to come out of this closet. i want to be finally myself. and here i am doing all this completely on my own. as i always have. not only that i have been betrayed. i have been judged for i was envied. i was again criticised for i was not understood. and i go against all of this opposition, with no support at hand and not even hoping for it anymore. in fact the only thing i hope for is less obstructions.. i’m sailing in my tiny little boat in the storm, pretending i’m not scared. of course, i’m scared. and i feel incredibly lonely. this loneliness makes me doubt myself…. today i woke up with this overwhelming feeling of ‘loneliness’ and then i remembered my grandma. she was the one who always supported me. she never made fun of me as my parents or brother did. and she always listened. she took my ideas very serious even when i was very little. when i told her that i was going to art school she was the only one who said: ‘that’s great news. it’s your calling’. i cried after that conversation that now took place 4 years ago and i cried this morning. after feeling so much light and warmth that i always felt from her i remembered that she’s no longer here. and then i remembered the date. today is 2 years since she left. i know if she was still here and she was healthy she would have supported me all the way through. she would have never judged me and she would have encouraged me to do what feels right to me and nobody else. truth is nobody ever encouraged her. she was always on her own. strong, yet gentle, she navigated through life focusing on her beliefs in integrity. she was not a spiritual person. but she was extremely aware of moral choices. and she always tried to do what’s right. she was her own worst judge and critic, so she always tried to follow her moral judgement. my grandmother was an extremely courageous woman. she was kind and she was fair. most importantly, she was not scared of going against the current if the she had to. and she encouraged her children and grandchildren to be the same. so today i feel almost guilty for being so sheepish and weak. i have to carry on. that’s what my grandma would have done. and…. life is short. it doesn’t even matter how many years you have left. the point is, you don’t know when life is going to end, so you can make the most of it only now. tomorrow might never come. so i’m going to wipe the tears off my face and carry on working. i know this is right because if i were told tomorrow that i’m dying this would be the thing i’d be proud of doing. who cares about things that go wrong…truly…at the end of the day you only remember what’s good. and only you, yourself, define what’s good. you have to listen to yourself….nobody else can tell you what to do. they can either support you or not…but you’re the person that knows what’s right. and if u do what’s right…nobody can betray you.
thank you grandma for being the source of light in my life. forever in my heart.
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