my experience of PTSD – 1

I have this tendency to ignore myself, because my problems have been ignored all my live, and my emotions especially have been pretty much not present in any of my close relationships. So I’ve learnt to intellectualise my emotions and express them in supposedly objective manner. If my emotions or problems are too difficult to intellectualise, I either ignore them or withdraw completely. So I’ve spent my whole life either hiding from others or neglecting myself. Being with people and being open emotionally is a combination I can’t quite comprehend. I understand it exists for I can see other people doing it, but I just can’t imagine doing ti myself. It’s the same as my inability to sing. Although, the problem of me ‘not singing’ is probably similar to this psychological malfunction. I’m so aware of my inability to sing that I don’t even dare to try it. I’m not sure how I’ve decided that I can’t sing in the first place, but this self-cautios negative attitude disables me from trying. Same with my emotions, I just avoid scenarios in which I could learn another pattern. I’m so scared of being hurt, that I pretty much make sure it doesn’t happen. If I do express for some strange reason (usually because I’m caught of guard), I immediately run away. I’m terrified of being punished for expressing my emotions. So I suppress and suppress and suppress until I explode. This nervous breakdown started of with a massive explosion. I found myself surrounded by pieces of my broken life and had to start thinking about the ’cause and effect’ factors that have lead to that disaster. I’m now aware of the two scenarios that I’ve developed with regard to my emotions. It’s great to know this, but rational understanding does not help with irrational fear that I have. I’ve learn that I’ll be punished for my emotions, both positive and negative. So I’ve learnt to run away or hide.  And I’ve learnt to be cold as ice and never cry when experiencing pain. I’ve survived because I’ve learnt these techniques. Of course, I’d like to unlearn these behaviours and learn something more viable, but I can’t. The fear takes over, and again: run or ignore. Now that I’m aware it’s even more frustrating. How can you control your subconscious reactions? With PSTD, the most scary part is feeling like your brain is controlling you. I literally sometimes feel like I’m battling with my own head. Fear can be a very disabling emotion. It’s positive when you’re in danger. I react to danger like nobody else. I could be an excellent boxer. But on every day basis, this reaction is useless, in fact it’s crippling. I can never relax. I always anticipate danger. I always anticipate pain. And I have to be ready to deal with these things. At least, that’s what my brain tells me to do. Even if I meditate, I can relax for 30 minutes, but then my brain almost needs to compensate for that time, and I get incredibly cautious straight after. That’s why I can’t go to Buddhist retreats. Contact with people immediately after meditating causes me enormous anxiety, if not panic attacks. And the worst part: I can’t help it. In this type of situations the more I tell myself to relax, the more I panic. So I avoid. Or if it’s unavoidable, I run away. And so it goes on and on and on and on and on…
I’m waiting for the day when this cycle will get broken.
I don’t know how much effort it will take……………..

8 Responses to “my experience of PTSD – 1”

  1. yes this can consume our life if we do not take mental actio.We have developed coping mechanisms early on inline ad some parts of our personality got stuck in childhood.The symptoms you describe are very familiar, hypervigilance, anxiety, fight or flight dump of cortisol,mdissociation and avoidance.

    First ting todo is stop engaging themtoughtandleaving this moment to think about it.

    I hae developed a nice simple model to help lid focusso we can heal easier.

    Welcome to me blog and feel free to ask questions. If you do The work you will improve.


  2. yes, reading your blog has been very helpful. i’m now working on developing my own system..which i’m sure will take time and effort…but it’s all well worth it!
    thanks for your comment.

    • If it were me and I had the choice I would practice the breathing track everyday. build the focus and ability to stay present. It will make the greatest difference. Pay attention by bringing awareness everytime you think.

      I wasted so much time with ancillary things. I believe a simple concentrated effort aimed at one symptom, dissociation and one time, now is the best.

      Self talk should always be extremely positive. it is a resume do us by us. We are
      Perfect incapable of failure. Add daily affirmations and you have all you need but the effort.

  3. Thank you. Sounds very encouraging and makes sense to me.

  4. That must be a terrible drain on you. Your words bring to mind what it must be like to be in the middle of the ocean and you feel the waves lifting you up and up and up. You know you have to come back down the other side – the dread is how it will end. The hard part is accepting that the waves happen and that you really can navigate them without capsizing.

  5. that’s what i’m learing to do… not always succeeding but it’s all a part of the process, i guess…
    thanks for your comment. nice metaphor.

    • retreading your post, That thehabit of avoiding and neglecting has been with you forever. Now you will have to bring awareness to each thought.

      .Everytime you engaged these thoughts they grow.

      They grow with the duration of time and all the electrical and blood flow you have granted them. You heal by not grabbing the thoughts.

      if you want relief stop digging the hole deeper. Keep away from thought and stay present. First calm the nervous system and eliminate as muc cortisol and adrenaline as possible.

      it is a thought to thought existence until this becomes habit.

      Good luck

  6. ps don’t know if ‘nice’ is appropriate here…but u know what i mean.

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