an optimist.. or why bother..

i’m an optimist.

every time some awful thing happens, i grab life by the horns, push gloom away and move on.

or so i used to think.

i have a mysterious ability to justify everything and everyone.

every time someone spat on my face of threw me into a puddle of dirt

i got up cleaned my face, smiled, and walked away

how do i do this?!

i’m sure it’s a survival mechanism

like in a book

every story pushed me to the next one

this time, however, because i’ve been laying in a puddle for quite sometime i’ve started to question my tactic

why do i do this?

you can look at it and say it’s because i’m proud

or because i have an incredibly positive outlook on life

but after being in this particularly big puddle for a while with mud being stuck to my skin

i’m beginning to feel the rage

and i want to throw mud back at someone

i have an urge

yet i do nothing

and i’m beginning to realise why

it’s the fear

it’s the fear of being stoned to death for such daring behaviour

and it’s the fear of being a judge

it’s the fear of being wrong

for when you judge, you can often get things wrong

and i’ve seen this so many times, i fear to do the same thing

so i lay in the puddle

and do nothing

the fear eats me from inside

and i hate my fear

i’m not an optimist

i’m just a very scared little girl

who has no clue as to how to live her life

because she’s too scared to hurt anyone

and most importantly

terrified of being hurt again

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One Response to “an optimist.. or why bother..”

  1. […] an optimist.. or why bother.. (linata.wordpress.com) […]

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