an optimist.. or why bother..

i’m an optimist.

every time some awful thing happens, i grab life by the horns, push gloom away and move on.

or so i used to think.

i have a mysterious ability to justify everything and everyone.

every time someone spat on my face of threw me into a puddle of dirt

i got up cleaned my face, smiled, and walked away

how do i do this?!

i’m sure it’s a survival mechanism

like in a book

every story pushed me to the next one

this time, however, because i’ve been laying in a puddle for quite sometime i’ve started to question my tactic

why do i do this?

you can look at it and say it’s because i’m proud

or because i have an incredibly positive outlook on life

but after being in this particularly big puddle for a while with mud being stuck to my skin

i’m beginning to feel the rage

and i want to throw mud back at someone

i have an urge

yet i do nothing

and i’m beginning to realise why

it’s the fear

it’s the fear of being stoned to death for such daring behaviour

and it’s the fear of being a judge

it’s the fear of being wrong

for when you judge, you can often get things wrong

and i’ve seen this so many times, i fear to do the same thing

so i lay in the puddle

and do nothing

the fear eats me from inside

and i hate my fear

i’m not an optimist

i’m just a very scared little girl

who has no clue as to how to live her life

because she’s too scared to hurt anyone

and most importantly

terrified of being hurt again


One Response to “an optimist.. or why bother..”

  1. […] an optimist.. or why bother.. ( […]

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