Coming out

The problem with good-natured attitude is justifying people that have hurt you. When you’re a victim the first thing you need to do is recognise the abuse. As a victim, you often fail to do that. In stead you might deny everything or blame yourself. It’s bad enough that you’ve been hurt, but being hurt by someone you loved and trusted is especially difficult and extremely confusing. Accepting this might hurt even more, but it’s necessary. I’ve been justifying everything and everyone all my life hiding hurts away somewhere in the cellar and then hiding the cellar from everyone, including myself. But the cellar is full now, so I’m going to name everyone who has betrayed my trust, and everyone who has damaged me. I always look for reasons of why people do evil things. When something bad happens to us, humans, we like to understand why that is. As a result of this search for reasons I end up justifying behaviours of others. We are all just humans, I think….Yes, forgiveness is the ultimate goal. I’ve been tricked into thinking that I MUST forgive. I wasn’t even brought up as a Christian, so I’m not sure who this idea appeared in my head. It did, however, and all my life I was pushing myself into forgiving. Yes, forgiving is important, but healing is what matters most. And the first step to healing is naming the abusers, listing their actions, and staring at the facts. Yes, staring. For me, the pain is so big, I just want to run away and pretend that nothing has ever happened. Trauma can have this effect. It’s too overwhelming. Often I feel like I’m going to lose everything, including my mind, if I do this. But it’s time to bring justice into this scenario. Nobody taught me about justice for some reason…and I’ve never looked at life from this perspective. I have no intentions of punishing anyone, but in my own mind I must stop punishing myself. I want to face the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, and I want to acknowledge it. It’s not MY FAULT these things have happened. But the cellar is MINE, and it’s time to talk about it. It’s time to stop playing Jesus and justifying other people’s sins. And it’s time to stop being a VICTIM. Today I acknowledge that I’ve been a victim, and it’s my first little step towards recovery. If you’ve been abused in the past, stop hiding it. It will destroy you eventually. Come out from your closet or cellar and start talking about it.

2 Responses to “Coming out”

  1. how long did it take you to take this step?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: