NOTHING

What happens when you hit rock bottom?
I’ll tell you what happens.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
For example.
Quite recently…
I don’t remember when exactly and for how long.
You don’t exist in a dimension of time when you hit rock bottom.
All I remember is finding myself at the bottom of the bottle.
Vaguely.
By that point the level of intoxication is so high all you remember is disappointment when the last drop hits your already empty glass.
You are disappointed for half a second.
And that is happiness.
For half a second you existed in time.
And that means you lived.
That last drop of disappointment lifted you from the rock bottom.
For half a second.
And then you go back into nothing.
There’s pain, of course.
Especially when you wake up from hangover.
That is a blessing too.
While you feel pain you know you’re alive.
And then you kill the pain.
Again.
Sometimes there’s no pain.
All there is a white ceiling.
And you’re inside the matrix.
Nothing else exists.
Everything merges.
Dreams become reality.
Reality becomes dreams.
In fact, it’s the same.
You’re asleep when you hit rock bottom.
Nothing is real.
Everything requires so much effort
that you stop resisting not putting effort.
No effort to agree
No effort to disagree
No effort to cry
No effort to smile
No effort to give in
No effort to object
You become nothing
Not suitable even for throwing away
Just plain nothing
If you grab razors and start searching for pills in your flat
You’re not at the rock bottom
If you have an urge to die
It means you have an urge to live
As long as you’re doing something
There’s still hope
There’s still desire to solve
At that point you have a choice
And making a choice requires effort
It means you still
can
live
or
die
Something in you
is still grabbing for energy
You might direct this energy towards ending your life
Or you might direct this energy towards beginning of your life
And that’s not such a bad place to be
Dangerous
but still good
When you hit rock bottom
Grabbing is a luxury
When you’re nothing
You have nothing to lose
Not even your life
That’s the worst that can happen to a human being
It’s much worse than being dead.
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